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The Canonical Priest List
Updated 1999-08-25T22:01:52Z
"It's fairly clear you're a obsessive beyond help." - one of our regular readers.
Contents
The following abbreviations are used for episode titles here and elsewhere in the Examiner:
GLFT (Good Luck Father Ted), EFS (Entertaining Father Stone), POST (The Passion of St.Tibulus), CT (Competition Time), AGCW (And God Created Woman), GUHER (Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest), TFFT (Think Fast, Father Ted), ToD (Tentacles of Doom), OGWT (The Old Grey Whistle Theft), ASFE (A Song For Europe), TP (The Plague), RAHT (Rock-a-Hula Ted), CAR (Cigarettes, Alcohol and Rollerblading), NJC (New Jack City), FiT (Flight Into Terror), ACT (A Christmassy Ted), AYRTFT (Are You Right There, Father Ted?), CBCS (Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep), S3 (Speed 3), KBBUTA (Kicking Bishop Brennan Up The Arse), TM (The Mainland), NOND (Night of the Nearly Dead), GTA (Going To America).
- Father Ted Crilly, a softly-spoken, silver-haired con-man with a penchant for fags and betting on the horses. Also known as 'Father Fluffybottom'.(All)
- Father Dougal Maguire, the stupidest man in the universe, and a continual thorn in Ted's side. But somehow disliking Dougal would be like kicking a spaniel. (All)
- Father Jack Hackett, an irascible old alcoholic who doesn't really live on the same planet as the rest of us. Catchphrases: "Arse!", "Drink!", "Girls!", "Feck!" and "That would be an ecumenical matter." (All)
- Father Dick Byrne, Ted's opposite number and Nemesis on the nearby Rugged Island. The Father Ted equivalent of The Master in 'Doctor Who', Dick Byrne is forever up to no good. In Ted's pithy phrase: "As priests go... he's a really bad priest." (CAR and others)
- Father Johnson and Father MacDuff, Dick Byrne's colleagues on Rugged Island, who are sort of equivalents to Jack and Dougal. (CAR)
- Father Larry Duff, a genial friend of Ted's, who is killed or seriously injured in virtually every episode. See Larry Duff's Disasters below.
- Father Rory Shanahan and Father Ken Dillon, old pals of Ted's. (NJC)
- Father Fintan Stack, a truly appalling priest ('worse than Hitler', according to Ted) who comes to stay as Jack's replacement when Jack contracts 'hairy hands syndrome' and is sent to St Clabbert's ('Jurassic Park'). Father Stack's visit is abruptly cut short when he too contracts the hair after sitting in Jack's chair. (NJC)
- Bishop Len Brennan, Ted's boss. Len has little patience with our friends, whom he refers to as 'the cast of Police Academy'. He also has a terrible phobia about rabbits, due to being stuck in a lift with some once. (TP and others)
- Father Noel Furlong, an extremely camp priest who leads a youth group. Intensely irritates Ted, and drives Dougal mad (Hell). Later turns up as guardian of Father Fintan Fay. (FiT)
- Father Fintan Fay, an old, mad and speech-impaired priest (the Monkey Priest of Killybashangel, according to the Hat Trick web site, though I don't know of any internal evidence to support this). (GUHER, FiT and others)
- Father Billy O'Dwyer, aka The SpinMaster. Craggy Island's resident funky DJ and gambling addict who ruins the raffle (TFFT) by stealing the proceeds to pay off his debts.
- Father Paul Stone, an exceedingly boring priest who comes to stay every year. Rarely says a word. Hero-worships Ted. (EFS)
- Father Austin Purcell, 'the most boring priest in the world', according to Ted. A whole African village once sailed to their deaths to escape him. Talks constantly about the most trivial and irritating topics, including central heating. (TFFT)
- Father Liam Finnegan, the famous 'Dancing Priest'. His untimely demise (from a heart attack, natch) in TFFT provided Ted with the unexpected bequest of a car. If only Father Jack hadn't decided to drive it to the off-licence...
- Father Damien 'Damo' Lennon, Dougal's role model. More of a football casual than a priest, he sports an earring, loves Oasis and occasionally steals whistles. (OGWT)
- Father 'Frosty' Frost, Father Damo's registered keeper. (OGWT)
- Father Walton, an inmate of 'Jurassic Park' who reached Stage 12 of the hair thing, and was mistakenly kidnapped by Ted and Dougal in an attempt to recover Jack from the home. (NJC)
- Father Joe Briefly, an old mate of Ted's from the seminary, where he used to be known as 'Himalaya Joe' because of the thick black hair growing between his toes, although apparently this was due to a medical condition. (FiT)
- Father O'Shea, a passenger in FiT who confessed to impregnating his housekeeper and forcing her to leave the country, thus slightly dashing his chances of winning a parachute.
- Father Cave and Father Gallagher, a pair of rather fey young men who are among the passengers in FiT. It appears that Father Cave's idea of their relationship is slightly different to that of Father Gallagher, to the embarrassment of both parties. Watch out for Graham Linehan's Hitchcockian cameo as Fr Gallagher.
- Father Flynn, a not totally with-it priest. When asked to write 200 words on 'why I should be given a parachute' in FiT, he produced only a drawing of himself in the nude with a dog, and claimed to have misunderstood what was going on.
- Bishop Jordan (the one with the weak heart), Bishop Facks, the one who renounces religion to become a hippy, and Bishop O'Neill, the maniacally intense one who latches on to Jack - known collectively simply as 'the Bishops' in ToD.
- Two unnamed priests in the Vatican, who are apparently in charge of deciding the holiness of various relics. (ToD)
- Father Ben and Father Brendan, the stars of a TV sitcom much enjoyed by Ted and Dougal. Watch out for co-creator Arthur Mathews as the hilariously long-suffering Ben. In fact they both bear a startling resemblance to Ted and Dougal (The Plague). Other Parochial House TV favourites include Byker Grove and Aliens (the Director's Cut of course).
- Father Tiernan, Father Rafter, Father Cafferty and Father Leonard, friends of Ted's who step in to fill an awkward hiatus by performing as a strange Kraftwerk-style electro group in TFFT.
- Father Liam Deliverance, an only partially insane priest who wreaked destruction upon the Parochial House before assisting Ted at the 'Lovely Girls' competition (RAHT)
- Father Barty Dunne, the Laughing Priest. Barty causes universal hatred and annoyance by his habit of laughing hysterically all the way through his own unfunny anecdotes. (CT)
- Father Harry Coyle, who appears as a Lookalike in CT
- Father Paul Cleary, an extremely aged priest who attended Jack's wake in GUHER
- Father Mackie and Father Jim Sutton, who also attended the (as it turned out) premature wake.
- Father Hernandez, 'that Cuban lad' as Dougal calls him, who is an old friend of our boys and visits them in POST, leaving Dougal a video recorder and Ted a Cuban fertility symbol which is not appreciated by Len Brennan.
- Father Todd Unctious, who turns up in ACT claiming to be an old pal of Ted's but of whom Ted has no recollection whatsoever. The latter is required to employ divers strategems and ploys to find out his name, without success. An attempt to get him to write his name fails, as bizarrely, Unctious claims that he was running with scissors and fell, completely severing the nerve that controls handwriting. Fortunately Mrs Doyle comes up trumps in the end (see Imaginary Priests below).
- Father Seamus Fitzpatrick, who Ted once lent his copy of Stephen King's 'The Shining' to, collector of (German) war memorabilia and not-so-closet Nazi. In AYRTFT his ex-Wehrmacht housemate unfortunately confuses Valium with cyanide, spelling swift death all round.
- Father Brian Eno, an attendee at 'It's Great Being a Priest '98', portrayed in a performance of rare depth and quality by Brian Peter George St. John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno himself.
- Father Kevin, whose suicide attempt Ted foils at IGBAP '98, and who is later cured of depression by 'Theme From Shaft', only to fall prey to Radiohead.
- Father Derek Beeching who mucked in to help with the milk-float crisis in S3 ("Is there anything to be said for saying another Mass?").
- Father Jessup, the most sarcastic priest in Ireland and PA to Bishop Brennan in KBBUTA. "No. I'm up in space doing important work for NASA."
- Father Shortall, who must be about seventy by now. (EFS)
- Mattie Hyslop, presumably a priest although this isn't confirmed. He was apparently a ne'er-do-well who saw the light and formed his own cult based on masochism and self-abasement. Chronically allergic to cats, he used to carry a kitten in his pocket and from time to time take it out and sniff it. (CAR) More about the genesis of Mattie Hyslop
- Father Sweeney, a friend of Noel Furlong's, whose bladder was reputedly the size of a chocolate orange. (Hell)
- Father Fitzgibbon, whose ears apparently resembled those of a trophy cup. (Hell)
- Father Ted Coogan, who was apparently in Africa with one of the 'Windy' Shepherd Hendersons (see below). (NJC)
- Father 'Windy' Shepherd Henderson, of whom there are apparently at least four. (NJC)
- Father Daley, who reportedly had a big lump on the side of his head in the shape of Connaught. (NJC)
- Father Bigley, who wasn't dead but just looked that way. (NJC) He also had facial blotches due to an exploding kettle. (Hell) An avid Dana fan, he is now rumoured to be in a home following some suspicious fires. (OGWT)
- Father Walton, a one-time inmate of Jurassic Park. (NJC)
- Father Burke, the first man on the scene when Malcolm X was assassinated. (NJC)
- Father Larry Buckley (NJC)
- Father Carolyn, who lost the use of his ears in an accident. He used to be able to wiggle them. (NJC)
- Father O'Reilly, who was apparently behind the O.J. Simpson murders. (NJC)
- Father Benny Cake, who released the pop song 'Vienna' under a nom de guerre.... (ASFE)
- Father Jim Dougan, responsible for introducing Ted to the appalling Father Stone, and who then ran straight out of the building. (EFS)
- Father Kiernan who apparently told lots of stories, was chubby and jolly, and shot himself (CT)
- Father Clippit does a good long Mass. Three hours on a good night. Since his stroke. (AGCW)
- Father Jimmy Ranable, a pupil of Jack's many years ago, who subsequently perpetrated the Drumshanbo massacre. (GUHER)
- Father Jez Flatham, a former acquaintance of Ted's who now makes $50,000 a year lap-dancing, apparently. (ACT)
- Father Buzz Dolan, former winner of the Golden Cleric award who moved to Canada and got a part in the new Bond film. (ACT)
- Father Peter Perfect, the perfect priest. Ted's imaginary rival for the title of 'Best Priest in the Country' during a paranoid fugue in ACT.
- Father Jimmy Fennel, apparently mentioned in Ted's acceptance speech for the Golden Cleric Award in ACT.
- Father P.J. Claret, also mentioned in this speech, but apparently he should have been under 'Liars' rather than 'Twats'. (ACT)
- Father Eamonn Hunter, who once got Ted in a headlock, but is now working with some pygmies in the South Seas, according to Ted's speech. (ACT)
- Father Barry Tiernan, who once poured water on Ted's mattress when Ted was a novice. It's unclear whether or not this is the same Father Tiernan (q.v.) who formed part of the Kraftwerk-style electronica group in TFFT. (ACT)
- Father Peter Thornton and Father Desmond Kerns, both simply mentioned in Ted's speech as 'Liars'. (ACT)
- Father Sean, idiot-card manipulator (and possibly sound man) at the award ceremony. (ACT)
- Father Dick Mayo, presenter of the award, who encourages Ted to go into television.
- Father Alden Crosby, presenter of the televised mass the priests watch in ACT. His effortless chalice work makes him Father Todd Unctious' (q.v.) favourite.
- Father O'Rourke, mischievous caravan owner, who appears to tell everyone he meets they can use his caravan.
- Bishop Lindsay, who Dougal thought accused Ted of assassinating President Kennedy in ToD.
- Father Clint Power, an acquaintance who Ted thought might be the subject of a feminist magazine article headed 'Clit Power'. He wasn't.
- Sister Assumpta, a crazed,sadistic nun belonging to the Mattie Hyslop cult. Fortunately for Ted, she has one fatal weakness: chocolate (CAR). Ted encountered her before, as the leader of a group of nuns in AGCW. Another visit of hers, unseen by us, is detailed in the Lost Episodes.
- Sister Imelda, aka 'the Blue Nun'. Apparently disappeared with Jack during a wedding. (GUHER)
- Polly Clarke, who became a nun after her experiences in AGCW.
- Sister Julia, a nun who is reputedly 97 years old. (AGCW)
- Sister Margaret, a nun who asks Ted where he gets the ideas for his sermons. AGCW.
- Sister Monica Mulligan, an Ulster nun who came to stay with the boys in GUHER and diagnosed Jack's death, but was unceremoniously shunted off when the details of his legacy were revealed.
- Henry Sellers, jovial game-show host and unfortunately ex-alcoholic, who comes to the Island to host the Al-Priests "Stars in their Eyes" Lookalikes Competition and goes berserk on a glass of sherry. Fortunately Sergeant Lewis is on hand to bring him down with a tranquiliser gun at seventy-five yards. (CT)
- Sergeant Lewis, the island's answer to Jack Lord out of Hawaii-5-O. His predecessor was Sergeant Thornton, who for some reason left his handcuffs at O'Leary's (POST).
- Sergeant Hodgins, Sergeant Lewis' successor as sole guardian of law and order on the island, makes his first appearance in OGWT.
- Michael the cinema manager, an old friend of Ted and Dougal's, who lets them in for half-price. (POST)
- John and Mary O'Leary, joint proprietors of (what appears to be) the island's only shop, who spend their spare time in abusive and often violent arguments.
- Pat, an elderly gentleman who, despite the very recent death of his wife, insisted on going to the cinema in POST.
- Lazlo St. Pierre and John Morgan, night-time and morning DJs respectively on a local radio station which the lads listen to while driving back from Fr. Finnegan's in TFFT. Played by Graham and Arthur in yet another little cameo.
- Tom, the island's unchallenged chief psychopath. Tom's hobbies include armed robbery and killing rabbits with a samurai sword. His distinguishing marks include a wound to his posterior, allegedly in the shape of a face.
- Mr Benson, elderly curator of the island's picnic spot. He appears to believe himself to be living in a spaghetti western movie. In OGWT his beloved whistle was stolen from him, but he got it back. In the process, however, he lost all feeling in one leg, but since his memory was also affected couldn't remember which leg it was. Previously, he had an affair with his sister while his wife was in hospital, then got the babysitter pregnant.
- Sean Yin and his family the Yins, who appear to comprise Craggy Island's entire Chinese community.
- Colm, an old farmer (AYRTFT).
- Auld Jim, who had the good fortune to be an eye-witness to the heinous whistle theft in OGWT.
- Mrs Carberry, an old woman with an anti-Greek fixation, because they invented gayness.
- The Sewage Supervisor, unnamed, who misguidedly entrusts Tom with a gigantic sewage lorry in Hell.
- Mr and Mrs Gleason, a hapless couple at Kilkelly Caravan Park who have their caravan invaded, their lovemaking spied on, their private ablutions interrupted and their lives generally made a misery by the lads from the Island. In addition Mr Gleason is carried several miles naked through the countryside on the bonnet of Ted's car, and thrown to the ground.
- The St. Luke's Youth Group, shepherded by Noel Furlong and comprising Gerry Fields (who overdid it at the disco), Janine Reilly (who crawled in at 10.30), Tony Lynch (who crawled in at ten past the eleven), and Nuala Ryan.
- Terry Macnamee, producer of the TV programme 'Faith of Our Fathers' in GLFT.
- Dr Sinnet, the island's doctor, who plays a large part in the life (and death) of the community, but appears only in NJC.
- Charles Hedges and Fred Rickwood, gay lovers and, respectively, producer and presenter of 'A Song For Ireland' in ASFE.
- Niamh Connolly, a radical feminist pop singer. Her greatest hit was probably:
Big men, in frocks,
Tell us what to do...
They can't get pregnant...
Like I do....'
- Imelda, winner of the Lovely Girls competition (RAHT). She's 19, from Dundalk, and does not have a black belt in karate.
- Mary, runner-up in the Lovely Girls competition. Failed at the Lovely Laugh tie-break, despite having a lovely bottom.
- Pat Mustard, a sex-mad milkman who has to "keep yanking himself night and day" when he loses his milk round. His twisted plan to blow up the milk float goes horribly wrong... (S3)
- Mrs Sheridan and Mrs Glynn, two old bats with an unusual taste in films; they are known to favour The Crying Game ("He got his lad out!") and Boyz N The Hood ("The pimps'll be using crack to keep the whores under control!").
- Father Peter Clifford and Assumpta Fitzgerald from the Ballykissangel mythos (which is why Peter isn't listed under Priests), who appear in Ted's dream in ACT.
- Eoin McLove, pop superstar (hits include 'My Lovely Mayo Mammy') who visits the Parochial House when Mrs Doyle, implausibly, wins a poetry competition (NOTND)
- Our Lord Jesus Christ, who paused on the cross for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world, according to Mrs Doyle's theology (Hell). Ted notes that he also 'got one or two bits of food, and turned it into a whole pile of food'.
- Mr Pearson, whose house Ted and Dougal stayed in last year on their holidays. It appears that he doesn't actually run a guest house, which might explain why he made a fuss when they tried to stay the second week.
- St. Kevin, who may have been a priest, but what the hell. Anyway, he's got a stump, one of the local places of interest in Hell.
- Paddy Short, who was lured to the Holy Stone, where some men started beating him with sticks.
- Mwengwe, an acquaintance of Ted and Dougal's who has satellite TV, but unfortunately lives in Addis Ababa.
In ACT, Mrs Doyle, in a misguided attempt to guess a priest's name, extemporises the names of imaginary priests for almost an hour (fortunately a large chunk of which is cut out). Thanks to the appalling sadness of Colm O'Laoi, here they are.
Fr. Andy Riley, Fr. Desmond Coyle, Fr. George Byrne, Fr. David Nicholson, Fr. Declan Lynch, Fr. Ken Sweeney, Fr. Neil Hannon, Fr. Keith Cullen, Fr. Ciaran Donnelly, Fr. Mick McEvoy, Fr. Jack White, Fr. Henry Bigbigging, Fr. Hank Tree, Fr. Hiroshima Twinkie, Fr. Stick Bubblecart, Fr. Johnny Hellzapoppin' , Fr. Luke Duke, Fr. Billy Ferry, Fr. Chewy Louie, Fr. John Hoop, Fr. Hairy Cakelinum, Fr. Ebula Conundrum, Fr. Peewee Stairmaster, Fr. Tight Head Lips, Fr. Jemima Racktouey, Fr. Jerry Twig, Fr. Spodo Komodo, and of course Fr. Canabrana Lammer.
By an amazing chance, she guesses the right name (Todd Unctious) in under an hour.
Comedy writer Andy Riley writes to point out that the Andy Riley mentioned is him. Fr Neil Hannon of course is Neil Hannon of the Divine Comedy. The other real-sounding names are crew members or friends of Graham and Arthurs'.
Father Ken Sweeney also appears twice in the show, once in NJC on the Priests Sports Day video (raising the cup) and once chatting to Brian Eno in GTA. A long-time friend of Graham and Arthur, Ken is the lead-singer of the band Brian who release music on the Setanta label. Arthur Mathews played drums on the band's 1992 "Planes" EP.
In a successful attempt to out-sad Fr. Colm, Fr. Richard Mason has sent in his own list of the names he thinks Mrs Doyle might have guessed during the 'less than an hour' period which was thankfully cut from the episode.
- Sampras, Dougal's pet rabbit in TP.
- Ronaldo, Dougal's escape-prone, cycling hamster in AYRTFT.
The canonical list of Larry's appearances and hideous injuries.
- Hell - Drives car off cliff while looking for phone
- Tentacles of Doom - Injured in knife throwing act when phone rings
- Old Grey Whistle Theft - Arrested under suspicion of being a terrorist while en route to Ted's picnic
- The Plague - Savaged by Rottweillers
- New Jack City - Is building a gigantic house of cards when the phone suddenly startles him, but he manages not to demolish the cards. However, reaching for the phone he picks up the stapler by mistake, staples his ear, collapses in agony and... demolishes the house of cards
- Cigarettes, Alcohol & Rollerblading - Loses chance of £10,000 prize on game show when distracted by phone ringing
- Flight Into Terror - Trampled by donkeys in a somewhat unlikely set of circumstances
- A Christmassy Ted - Distracted by the phone while skiing, he tumbles about 500ft down a mountainside. Later, he is buried in an avalanche set off by Jack slamming the door of the Parochial House living room several hundred miles away.
Yes! You can now submit a missing priest on-line! (Or a non-priest, or a priest we merely hear about, or a place of interest... etc.)