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The Lost Episodes

Father Ted episodes often contain passing references to events we haven't seen in the show - rather like the Sherlock Holmes stories referring to the affair of the 'Giant Rat of Sumatra'. This is a list of what I have fancifully entitled the Lost Episodes - you'll get the idea.

• The time (fictitious of course) when Ted met a young orphan, whose parents had been crushed by a tree. He wanted to train horses, but was afflicted by a strange disease that meant he could only communicate by raising his eyebrows. "If only I had a whistle," he thought.
• The time Miss Lovely Girl 1995 was stripped of her title for starring in a film called 'Stallion Farm' (RAHT).
• The time Father Jack knocked out Michael Hutchence (RAHT)
• The time they held a Sports Day (though video footage of the event appears in NJC)
• The time when Mrs Doyle went on a Lenten pilgrimage to St. Patrick's Hill and met a couple who were a bit obsessed with the old S-E-X. (CARThe time Ted and Dougal went to Funland last year when a man died after falling off the Cradle of Death, and Dougal rode around on an old man whipping him for about an hour. (GLFT)
• The time they put on a variety show and Ted impersonated Steven Hawking, who unluckily was in the audience. "God, he can fairly move in that wheelchair when he's angry." (AYRTFT)
• The funeral Dougal conducted by mistake in ACT. We don't know what happened at the ceremony but we do see a glimpse of the results, revealing a battlefield scene with smoke, crashed cars and bodies strewn everywhere.
• The time they had to install Plexiglas in the living room window because Father Jack was jumping through it too often (ACT).
• The time a tramp stayed at the House for a week after convincing Dougal he was the Prime Minister of France. Dougal was banned from inviting anyone else to the House. (ACT)
• The time Ted and the other novices sneaked out of the seminary to go to a Dana concert (OGWT).
• The time (presumably imaginary, claimed by Father Todd Unctious) when Todd couldn't go to the Dana concert with Ted and the other novices because he was recovering from a massive car accident. The scar runs all the way up to his groin apparently. (ACT)
• The time Father Jack took the convent girls' volleyball practice. (GUHER)
• The time Father Stone came to visit and Ted and Dougal spent four days hiding in the loft to avoid him. (EMS)
• The last time Jack had his bath, the memory of which fills Ted and Dougal with horror. (Hell)
• The time they ran out of incense and had to use Windolene. (ToD)
• The time Ted stole money from 'that charity', although according to Ted the money was just 'resting in his account'. (Several references)
• The time Ted presumably stole money 'from that Lourdes thing', according to Dougal, although this may be the same as the previous reference. (TOGWT)
• The 'Sealink incident', where Dougal did something unspecified on the bridge of a Sealink ferry, with presumably disastrous results. (FiT)
• Father Jack's previous attack of 'hairy hands', when he reached a Stage 4 after drinking brake fluid. (NJC)
• The 'Scrabble episode', where Dick Byne managed to get all his letters to spell 'Useless Priests Can't Say Mass'. (CAR)
• When Ted and Dougal went to stay with Sister Assumpta in the convent at Kildare. Dougal got run over, won £100 with his lottery card, got arrested for shoplifting, the police station burnt down, Dougal was rescued by helicopter, Dougal fell out of the helicopter over the zoo and was mauled by tigers while wearing his blue jumper. Apparently this episode was never filmed, for budgetary reasons. (CAR)
• The time Jack's head went septic. (NJC)
• The time when Jack kicked Dougal up the B-O-T-T-Y. (NJC)
• The time when Jack held Ted's nose, forcing him to open his mouth, and then dropped a big spider in it. Ted and Dougal do not see eye to eye about the humour, or not, of this episode. (NJC)
• The one where Ted forgot his sister-in-law's name while saying her funeral mass. Ted quoted this as his most embarrassing moment. (AGCW)
• The time Ted and Dougal came third in the Ludo championships. (CT)
• The time Ted went to the All-Priests Stars in Their Eyes Lookalike Competition as Mother Teresa.(CT)
• The time Dougal met the Pope, but mistook him for a feller living in an art gallery. (CT)
• The amusing time when Father Barty Dunne came to visit and Jack lost his slippers. Fortunately, they found them after a while.(CT)
• The time when Ted had a beard. (AGCW)
• The time they visited the Holy Stone of Clonrichert and Dougal bought a comb saying "I saw the Holy Stone of Clonrichert".(GUHER)
• The other 299 times they did the same thing.(GUHER)
• The time Sister Monica came to visit.(GUHER)
• The time when Dougal's uncle's heart stopped for a week. Sadly, he died afterwards.(GUHER)
• The time Jack became the first priest to denounce the Beatles.(GUHER)
• The time Jack ran off with Sister Imelda, the Blue Nun (GUHER)
• The infamous 'Black Rock incident', believed to be responsible for Dougal's exile on Craggy Island. "They were only nuns," is apparently not a sufficient defence. (TPOST)
• The wedding Jack once conducted in Athlone (TPOST)
• The time the priests were given two bags of coal to raffle in 1964. (TFFT)
• The time (almost certainly fictitious) when Ted was at a raffle, and the people who ran the raffle actually won it. (TFFT)
• The time Dougal stayed up late watching a scary film (Herbie Goes Bananas) and had to sleep in Ted's bed.

I just thought of these over a cup of coffee and a plate of Mrs Doyle's egg sandwiches, but I'm sure you can think of more. Send them in.

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