> > Pooh goes Apeshit
> > -----------------
> > 
> > 
> > Everything was rather quiet in the hundred acre wood.The trees whispered
> > to each other as the wind rustled their leaves. Under a large oak tree,
> > there lived Pooh bear. From inside Pooh's house, there came a steady
> > bang...bang... bang!, that was making his honey jars rattle on the
> > sideboard. The light came through the window, and in the evening sun Pooh
> > raised the axe once more and brought it down on the tattered remains of
> > Christopher Robin. "Why...won't... he...fit..." puffed Pooh to himself as
> > the axe came down once more. There was a small pile of earth, and a hole
> > next to it, which Pooh had hidden with his favourite rug. Christopher
> > Robin, selfish prat that he was, didn't quite fit in the hole Pooh had
> > dug, so instead of making it wider he had decided to hack Christopher
> > Robin's legs off. "A far more sensible idea", thought Pooh, and hummed a
> > little song to himself as he cut the last tendon and rammed the rest of
> > the body in the hole, finally covering it up with the rug. "Always too
> > bossy", thought Pooh, "Always too bossy, always grabbing me by the paw and
> > saying 'Come on Pooh lets have an adventure' or 'Pooh you are silly!' in
> > that affected cutesy spoilt brat voice, and his stupid little shorts -
> > bastard!" Pooh had waited all afternoon for Christopher Robin to come
> > round, humming a little tuneless song to himself whilst gazing blankly
> > into the fire and fondling the oaken handle of the axe. When C.R. had
> > finally turned up, squeaking in his child-actor voice "Come on Pooh! Open
> > Up!", Pooh had answered the door normal as anything, talked about the
> > weather, and then went to the cupboard and fetched the axe. While C.R. had
> > sat there, prattling on about what a silly bear Pooh was and how he had
> > very little brain (which wound Pooh up no end) Pooh had raised the axe
> > high and brought it down with a satisfying thud on Christopher Robin's
> > skull, cleaving it virtually in two, with just some muscle fibre in place
> > to keep the pieces upright, and freezing C.R's eyes wide in horror that
> > Pooh, lovable Pooh, could do such a thing! Pooh giggled a little and wiped
> > some saliva from his mouth with a shaky paw. Then Pooh, calm as anything,
> > had mopped up the blood, washed the axe and begun to dig the hole.  Piglet
> > had wondered why Pooh had not called for him that morning, to have his tea
> > and biscuits, and so he decided to visit Pooh instead. He admired the
> > evening sun, blood red, and listened to the birds singing. Pooh watched
> > him get nearer and nearer, and plugged in the drill. Piglet had no time to
> > realise what had happened - the drill pierced his skull,sending a
> > beautiful fountain of blood all over Pooh's orange hide. He rubbed the
> > blood in and all over himself, licking, licking, always licking. Then
> > hepulled Piglet inside and put him in the cupboard. The syringe lay on the
> > sideboard, and Pooh picked it up, paws shaking and sweating, and filled it
> > full of solution of the funny white powder that had been given to him by a
> > strangely spaced-out Rabbit. It was a strange effect at first, and Pooh
> > thought he had seen many strange things, but then experienced a euphoric
> > feeling of power. It made him irritable, and C.R. and Piglet had
> > everything that was coming to them, no doubt at all. When night had fully
> > fallen, Pooh dragged the bodies out and buried them in a makeshift grave.
> > "Adios, dear 'friends'", Pooh giggled, "Things are going to change around
> > the 100-acre wood now I'm in charge" he laughed hysterically and went
> > indoors. The next day Tigger and Roo made their way happily to Pooh's
> > house, to see if he knew where C.R. and Piglet were, as no-one had seen
> > them since yesterday.  They were sure Pooh would know, as he had had tea
> > with Piglet yesterday and was meant to be playing Pooh-sticks with C.R. in
> > the morning. When they reached Pooh's house the door was wide open and
> > Pooh was nowhere to be seen. Tigger and Roo looked inside Pooh's house and
> > noticed a large hole in Pooh's floor and a notice was stuck on the wall
> > with a large blob of congealing honey "OWT CHAGIG THE DRAGGN" (spelling
> > had never been one of Pooh's strong points). "That's odd", though Tigger,
> > "there are no dragons in the 100-acre wood only heffalumps. What _is_ that
> > silly bear up to now?" Not even Tigger would have imagined what Pooh was
> > up to at that moment. That morning Pooh had woken with a splitting
> > headache and a rather snotty nose. So he had taken a large dose of the
> > white powder and a little while later had a brilliant idea! He left the
> > house with a container marked INSECTICIDE in big red letters. He took the
> > container and went to Eeyor's favourite patch of thistles. "This will
> > serve that manic depressive donkey right" laughed Pooh aloud, "always
> > cheating at Pooh-sticks, cheats never prosper", Pooh said to himself. Then
> > he hid behind a tree to watch the unsuspecting Eeyor eat himself to death
> > - sheer poetic justice thought Pooh as he dumped the nearly dead body of
> > Eeyor in the same grave as C.R. and Piglet - "Shouldn't cheat should
> > you?", shouted Pooh as Eeyor's eyes stared with disbelief - "You're lucky
> > I didn't chop you up into little bits and feed you to Tigger!", laughed
> > Pooh manically, before he covered the makeshift grave over. Pooh didn't
> > return to the house until dinner time as he was totally spaced out all
> > morning. So when he returned to his house he was in an awful mood and all
> > he needed to make him absolutely mad was the sight of Tigger and Roo
> > bouncing up and down outside his house singing "bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun,
> > fun, fun, fun, the wonderful....". "'Wonderful'?", thought Pooh aloud, "My
> > foot, you'd think the writer of this shitty story could think up better
> > lyrics for a song than that, and to think, they released the soundtrack
> > album on cassette and CD; a lot of people are going to get ripped off."
> > This lightened Pooh's mood somewhat, but the respite was brief. "What was
> > that you said?", asked Roo. "God does he never stop asking pathetic
> > questions?", Pooh thought furiously, "I'm going to have to deal with these
> > prats as well. Is there no-one in this place with intelligence apart from
> > me?" Pooh asked despairingly." Pooh felt himself extremely lucky as Roo
> > had to go home for his afternoon sleep and that left Tigger at his mercy.
> > Even better, Tigger suggested that himself and Pooh go and play
> > Pooh-sticks; Pooh had smiled slyly as an idea formed in his overactive
> > brain, and agreed - "What an opportunity", Pooh whispered to himself as he
> > followed the innocent Tigger to the bridge. Once on the bridge, and the
> > rather pointless game of Pooh-sticks was under way, Pooh thought he'd much
> > rather push his stick up Tigger's arse, rather than throwing it into the
> > stream. Tigger was leaning over the side of the bridge looking for his
> > stick. So he did not see Pooh's wide horrific grin as he outstretched his
> > arms and moved toward Tigger with the intent of pushing the stupid cat
> > into the stream - "Cats hate water, tee hee, he'll drown." There was a
> > loud splash as Tigger hit the water and started to struggle as his head
> > was covered by water, he gulped and choked. Pooh was holding on to the
> > rail of the bridge and jumping up and down with excitement and was
> > joyously shouting at the drowning Tigger. "Why?", spluttered Tigger as he
> > slowly started to turn blue with the cold, which Pooh found hysterical,
> > after all a blue Tigger?? How absolutely silly. "I'll tell you why you
> > bastard", screamed Pooh, "It serves you right, hiding behind doors and
> > jumping out, and scaring the shit out of people." But Tigger did not hear
> > Pooh's answer as he was already floating downstream face down in the
> > water, dead - "Good riddance", laughed Pooh, and looked at his watch,
> > "Still time to get that little dick head Roo before he wakes up." Pooh
> > sneaked to the sleeping form of Roo's mum and saw Roo's ear poking out of
> > her pouch - "Now I've got you, you little git", Pooh thought, smiling, as
> > he threaded a needle with extra strong cotton. He was jolly grateful for
> > Piglet's sewing lessons now, because he would be able to sew up Roo nice
> > and tightly, so he would not be able to get out and his mum would not be
> > able to rescue him. So very slowly and carefully Pooh began to sew Roo
> > into his pouch and thereby suffocating the annoying idiotic twit. After
> > the deed was done Pooh made his way back to his house wondering how Roo's
> > mum would take the death of Roo. Badly, hoped Pooh, as he began to cough
> > uncontrollably and felt general nausea overcome him. By the time Pooh got
> > home he had puked up several times and was very desperate for some more of
> > the white solution. He trembled as he picked up the syringe and gave
> > himself the remaining amount. An awfully large amount, one might say, for
> > a small little bear like Pooh. In fact too much, Pooh died of an overdose,
> > but he died with a smile on his face: he was dreaming that he was the only
> > teddy bear made with a willy and dreamed how he surprised Eeyor one day -
> > but that's a story for another day. 
> >                                      THE END
> >