***** MORE GERMAN HUMOUR ***** Subject: What did the SS oficer say to the firing squad? Fire. Subject: whats green and goes up and down in a lift? Probably the porter, they often have green uniforms. Subject: how do elephant get down from trees? i find it very unlikely that an elephant would be able to get itself into this predicament in the first place... Subject: how do you stop a skunk from smelling?.... in reality, it would be difficult to stop a skunk from smelling. their ability to emit a malodourous fluid is their primary defence against attacks from predators. inevitably, this fluid will also contaminate the skunk, leaving it with a somewhat foul smelling odour. you could perhaps use some form of deodourant on the skunk, but this would only serve to mask the odour with another fragrance, and not neutralise the skunk's natural odour.... Subject: How do you make a jam roll? You get some cake mix, and use to form a sponge base, which you then paint one side of with jam. Then you roll the entire thing into a cylindrical shape before frosting with icing sugar. Subject: How do you make a match box? There's no point. Just go and by a pack, it's only 7p Subject: would you like a microwave? yes. well they're going cheap in Comet at the moment Subject: How many elephants can you fit in a mini? None, but if you saw the trunk off you could coil it up on the back seat what goes tick-tick woof-woof? a clock with problems in its mechanism Subject: Why do astronauts drink Pepsi? Because there is no 7-up vending machine at the Cape Canaveral site Subject: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A poor innocent creature who has been a victim of cruelty, and should call in the RSPCA. Subject: Mummy, mummy, can I go and play with Granny? Okay, but only if she says yes. Subject: What do you do if you see a blue frog? Inform a scientist. Subject: What's red and sits in the corner wailing? Well, quite possibly a japanese whaling crew, if they wear red which they do i think. it would have to be the corner of a boat, or rather the prow which is where the harpoon is kept oh wailing... sorry I missed that in the translation. I don't know then. Subject: What do you get if you cross a woman with an ape? I dunno, a hybrid maybe? Subject: Why did the hedgehog cross the road? Well there were no bridges or subways so it had to cross the surface. Subject: What's the difference between an insane rabbit and a fake pound note? One is a mentally unbalanced herbivorous mammal, the other is illegal money probably without a metal strip down the middle. Subject: How many women does it take to change a light-bulb? Probably one, unless she's very short and hasn't got a ladder. Subject: A man walks into a bar and says- A pint of ale please. Subject: My wife is so fat we have to buy large clothes for her when we go shopping. Subject: How do you get a hot-cross bunnie? I don't know. I think you might mean hot-cross bun; that's quite similar to bread. Subject: Why does the sea roar? well the impact of the waves on the water cause sound waves to be produced which sound, to the human ear, similar to a roar. Subject: Why did the tide turn? Because the moon's gravitational pull overcame that of the sun's. Subject: What do whales eat for lunch? Plankton. Subject: A termite walks into a bar but as termites can't talk, no-one notices it and nothing interesting happens. Eventually, it gets trodden on. Subject: What's the difference between Prince Charles and a tennis ball? Isn't it fairly obvious? Subject: what did the big chimney say to the little chimney? nothing, ISO standard 93/4378 part (gas flue construction (specifications) directive, 1993) makes no provision for voice recognition and/or synthesis units to be installed in such constructions. Subject: - my dog's got no nose - how does he smell? - he doesn't because he doesnt have a nose. but if you mean is he smelly, the answer would be ... Subject: A man vent into the doctors and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I think I've turned into a bridge." "What has come over you?" "I don't know doctor, I think I may have been working too hard at the Audi factory" Subject: When is a door not a door don't be stupid - a door is always a door Subject: What's the best thing to do if you're chased by an elephant? Run. Subject: Heard about the Irishman who had a penis transplant? It was done at the famous Harefield Hospital by a team of very experienced micro-surgeons and was the first of its kind in the world. Subject: A horse walks into a bar but gets shooed out because of the cleanliness in pubs act 7 subsection 4 paragraph a, 1967. Subject: Two peanuts walked down the road. One was a salted peanut, the other was dry roasted. Actually they didn't walk because peanuts don't have legs, but they were travelling down the road, perhaps in someone's pocket. Subject: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? I wouldn't have thought it was possible.